I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
