I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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