no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
