this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
