Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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