you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
