Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am midnight drunk by noon
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
