before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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