he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
