You smell like stripper and shame
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
