Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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