Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
