I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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