Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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