saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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