someone threw a dead crab at me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
