my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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