I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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