yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
