just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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