i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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