She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
