i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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