i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize