you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
