So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
