why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
