Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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