i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dignity is for republicans.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
