You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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