Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You ate ashes out of my bong
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
