She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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