he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
