the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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