i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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