I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
