i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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