i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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