Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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