just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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