What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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