you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
