your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
