You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
