Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
How's work?
Spinning.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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