You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
