just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
