I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
