Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
