her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
