I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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