My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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