You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
