I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
