Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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