I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
