Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
