You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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