Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Little spoons don't ask big questions
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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