I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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