Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
