I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
