Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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