Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
